Run For Cover!

Midway – 2019 – PG13

When it comes to WW2, I’m far more familiar with the European Theater than the Pacific because my father flew missions over Europe as a B17 Tail Gunner in the 8th Air Force under the command of Jimmy Doolittle. When Midway previews starting showing, I could hardly wait!  It was my chance to learn more about the Battle of Midway, fought six months after Pearl Harbor and considered the most decisive battle in the history of naval warfare sending a knockout blow to the Empire of Japan. Plus the film had a storyline about Jimmy Doolittle! What could go wrong?!

Everything. What a colossal disappointment. The action ricocheted all over the globe, kind of a WW2 Where’s Waldo mishmash. I needed a clipboard, map, colored highlighters and a sharpened pencil to keep track. Or better, just stop the movie, turn up the lights and bring in an expert to lecture. Not a single character stood out, not even Jimmy Doolittle and his Raiders. Admiral William Halsey’s shingles got more screen time than Doolittle’s daring attack on Tokyo. Will somebody please slather some calamine lotion on the admiral’s rash and stop the bitching and itching? Medic! 

The entire ensemble cast—and it was a cast of thousands—created no attachment, no affection, no interest, no nothing. It’s a war story so lots of people died, I wasn’t moved. Lots lived. I didn’t celebrate. I didn’t bond with anyone. Someone please tell German director Roland Emmerich that when every character is equally significant, the result is that every character becomes equally insignificant. And apparently speaking with either a Southern drawl or Brooklyn brogue was required to serve in the Navy. I guess Midwesterners were assigned to the Army. At least curiosity about whether I’d eventually discern a different accent helped dull the impact of a ridiculously contrived dialogue.  Banal, inane, corny clichés infiltrated every exchange. I groaned more at the absurd chitchat than the combat.

Uniformed men zipped in and out of ships and subs, planes and parachutes, looking quite fierce and heroic but with the feel of a Sony Playstation video game, definitely not sophisticated Hollywood special effects. I needed a gamepad handy so I could join in the carnage and I don’t even like video games. But, please, let there be something, anything to keep me engaged.  

From all appearances every American fighter jet was shot down in the heat of the battle—but then like magic the pilots and wingmen would safely land, reassemble and get right back to trading platitudes, sarcasm and needling. “Gotcha,” the all American military pastime. A Japanese destroyer retrieved two downed Americans from their raft and when interrogated the US pilot growled, “You killed a lot of my friends at Pearl Harbor so go f’’k yourself.”  What happened to name, rank and serial number? When the Japanese commander ordered an anchor tied to the pilot’s leg and shoved overboard, Captain Cool spit his cigarette out, shrugged, sneered and sunk to his watery death. Knowing the terror of war through my dad’s experience, I find it hard to believe that every single sailor and pilot dodging bombs and bullets would find so much to joke, wink and laugh about while careening from one doomsday battle to the next or plunging to their death.  

And, just how did the women of WW2 fare? We only saw officer’s wives and at one point, when they gathered to weather the raging sea battle together, a fashionably dressed Donna Reed lookalike arrived to hear that her husband may be a casualty. She tearfully excused herself, “I’m so sorry, I need to powder my nose.” Well, bless your heart honey, you go right ahead. Besides furrowed brows, PG-13 embraces and Clairol moments, women were absolutely invisible.

Summing it up: dreadful dialogue, nameless characters, boring acting, confusing plot and lackluster cinematography.  If this weren’t enough, I gritted my teeth when the dedication scrolled after the credits—perhaps Emmerich hoped no one stuck around to read, “This film is dedicated to the Americans and Japanese who fought at Midway. The sea remembers its own.”  The film starts out with the Japanese surprise attack on Pearl Harbor and the sinking of the Arizona, killing 1,177 sailors and marines, 1,102 still entombed. At the Battle of Midway, the U.S. lost the aircraft carrier Yorktown, the destroyer USS Hammann, 145 aircraft, and suffered 307 casualties. You can not respectfully conclude with a dedication acknowledging the aggressors and the Americans equally.  At least not on my watch.